


your evil gay aunts

by zagspect



Category: Higurashi no Naku Koro ni | Higurashi When They Cry, Umineko no Naku Koro ni | When the Seagulls Cry
Genre: F/F, Gou Spoilers, but not tooo extreme?, but written pre-ending so it could alll be wrong!, canontypical mentions of death and gore and suicidal thoughts, the gore being lambdabern pda. lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:22:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29987640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zagspect/pseuds/zagspect
Summary: "What do you want?""Um," Satoko says. Love, in a general sense. Stability. To feel good at something again. Tea-wise, she has no idea. She should probably pick the most high society of teas, except she never paid enough attention to what Rika and her stupid fake friends drank to know what they were. "Earl Grey, please."Or, "mom said it's our turn to play with the new game piece- no, really, she totally did."
Relationships: Bernkastel/Lambdadelta (Umineko no Naku Koro ni), Furude Rika/Houjou Satoko
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	your evil gay aunts

**Author's Note:**

> a generous scoop of headcanonry and just being loosey goosey. even if it all gets jossed next week, i had fun, and that's what matters.
> 
> (heart locket) gou era satorika my beloved

Just her luck, just her rotten luck that she's back in these hellish halls. Satoko doesn't remember doing anything particularly deadly before she went to sleep (it was early February, she thinks, of 1985), but who can keep track. She's got careless, maybe, and suffocated in her sleep, slipped herself out of living like it was an itchy sweater.

The worst loops to wake up in are the ones where her uncle comes back to Hinamizawa, but the new entry point in this fragment being that damn St. Lucia tearoom comes _pretty close_. The witch who sends her on her way must be rolling on the floor with laughter right now.

She's never actually been inside this room before. Teatime was for _high society_ girls, smarty-pants types who have the time after class to sip slowly and softly chatter about all the latest gossip because they've already finished their homework.

( _Did you hear about that Houjo girl,_ she imagines they say. _Oh no, I don't spend any time with such types of people. Well, I heard she's doing quite poorly in class. Ah, poor thing. Don't worry about her. It's her own fault, you know._ )

She doesn't see any of the girls Rika usually hangs out with - it's pretty empty, in fact. Maybe it's classtime. Maybe it's 1982. Maybe-

When Satoko looks out the window she sees the Sea of Fragments.

Maybe it's a dream.

Once she's certain this is a dream, she can see other incongruities with real life, too. The tea room is impossibly long, and even though she can hear a dull chatter all around her, it's empty. The room is bright and warm with daylight, but outside is only the deep swirling purple of the Sea, with the occasional Fragment softly glowing as it floats by. She's still in her pajamas and slippers, her green ones with the button-up shirt and the soft pants that she has the good fortune to own in nearly every fragment.

She must have walked for miles just to find one other person in this room. Her back is turned to Satoko, like they're in school for real.

"Rika."

Rika swivels around, except it isn't her. Or... it's more like, this person _is_ Rika, except she got all the details wrong. She's older than Satoko has ever let- than Satoko has ever _seen_ Rika become. The same hair, yes, with the bangs and all, but the face they frame is wide and round where Rika's features have grown long and delicate.

It's a bit like someone looked at an old photo of Rika Furude, and then took their best guess at what she'd look like in a decade.

"Pajamas? At a tea party?"

It's exactly what the real Rika would have said, if Satoko had ever tried to join her at one of these.

"I can fix that!"

Someone is behind her who wasn't just a second ago, and when Satoko whirls around- it's worse. If not-Rika looks like Rika grown up all wrong, then this blonde woman in the puffy pink dress looks like someone took Satoko's face, and then took the faces of a whole bunch of other people, and put them in a blender until they all combined, and then guessed what _that_ mixture would grow up to look like. She doesn't look like Satoko at all past basic coloring- her hair is thinner and straighter, she's tall and bony, and her eyes don't quite look like Satoko's do, but Satoko can still see it. There's a part of herself, trapped in that smile.

It twists her stomach in knots, looking at this person. She focuses instead on the plate she's carrying, piled high with cakes from a buffet table.

"Don't help her," says not-Rika. "It's funny like this."

"Don't be snobby, Bern," says the other woman, and snaps. It echoes, and Satoko can't see what's happening - there's a puff of thick smoke surrounding her, sweet-smelling like cotton candy and thick enough that she can't breathe (if she dies here, where will she go?) and her worn pajamas are suddenly crisp, elegant pants, a shirt with ruffles on the sleeves and by the neck, and a silky vest with buttons shaped like golden candies.

"See? She's ready to party."

Satoko mouths _thank you_ at the witch (they have to be witches, it only makes sense) as fast as she can and then looks away from that horrible face. The witch ruffles Satoko's hair with her free hand as she sets down the cakes and takes a seat.

Not-Rika - _Bern_ , she was called - smiles at the other witch. It isn't a look Satoko has ever seen on Rika, more of a sneer than real joy.

"You left her buttons done wrong."

"I know!" says the other woman. "That was the funny part."

Satoko flushes and fixes her vest.

Look, she's had a _long_ hundred years. You can get starved for kindness when you live a life of watching your best friends leave you over and over and over again. If someone steps in when you're being made fun of, wouldn't you assume the best? Wouldn't you jump to thank them, rush to feel like you have an ally? 

But here is the sad truth that leaves Satoko feeling worse than ever: Nobody has ever been Satoko's ally, and this isn't about to change in a dream about witches.

"Sit down," says the pink witch. "Get cozy, let's talk!"

There's two chairs left at the table. _The devil you know_ , thinks Satoko, and slides in next to Bern. It's okay, she tells herself. If Rika can fall for her acting, and this witch isn't even any good at being Rika...

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you both! I was quite surprised, you know, being pulled out of my sleep to find this place! It's nice to meet you, Bern, right, and-"

"You can call me Lady Bernkastel," she says, not even looking up from her tea. It's really awful, hearing Rika's voice come out of her, especially because, like all things about Bernkastel, it's not _quite_ Rika's voice. It's just a voice that Rika could have, could put on like a disguise if she felt like it. "The Witch of Miracles."

"I'm Lambdadelta," says the pink witch. "The Witch of Certainty! And this witch wants a particularly certain tea," and she giggles at her own joke and pours herself something pink. Satoko can smell it cloyingly sweet across the table, like she's poured herself a cup of perfume. The teapot- it's got the St. Lucia logo printed on the side- gets waved under Satoko's nose.

"What do you want?"

"Um," Satoko says. Love, in a general sense. Stability. To feel _good_ at something again. Tea-wise, she has no idea. She should probably pick the most _high society_ of teas, except she never paid enough attention to what Rika and her stupid fake friends drank to know what they were. "Earl Grey, please."

An Earl is some sort of nobleman, right? That's pretty high society. She sneaks a look at Bernkastel as if she'll give her a grade. She doesn't say anything, but she doesn't say anything _rude_ , so Satoko thinks she gave an okay answer.

"So!" says Lambdadelta. "New looper in town. What's your story?"

"Well. Why does anyone live in loops? Because their life is unbearable, yes?"

She punctuates that with a sip of her tea like a real lady, and wonders if it would be wrong to ask for sugar, or worse, wrong _not_ to. Lambda, at least, would approve, right? 

Bernkastel looks her in the eye for the first time. It's eerie. It's nothing to worry about. It's a familiar sight, it's a stranger. 

"Who gave you the power?"

"I don't know her name, actually. She has purple hair, and, uh, big horns. Friend of yours?"

Bernkastel _hisses_ , like a cat.

"And? What else did she look like."

"Do you have a lot of horned ladies running around? It's pretty unique."

As soon as Satoko says it, she remembers that friend of Rika's who was around for a little while, that one summer. Bernkastel is right about this, not that Satoko can afford to show weakness.

"Well, anyway, she has pretty distinctive makeup, all pink around the eyes, and a staff she always carries. Her bangs go to a point in the middle of her forehead."

The two witches exchange raised eyebrows.

"What went so terribly wrong for you, then?" Lambda asks. 

"I..."

She's terrified for a second, like she can see a wire on the floor under her foot, but she has to collect herself. She deals with an even more powerful witch all the time. It's fine. The one thing she knows for sure about witches is that they don't like being bored, so she just has to tell a good story. 

"Once upon a time, I had a best friend! We did everything together, we lived together, we were there for each other!"

"That's nice," says Lambdadelta, and plucks the slice of strawberry off the top of a cupcake.

"But Rika left me. Leaves me. Over and over again, she leaves Hinamizawa, and when I follow her to school, she abandons me, and my life becomes hellish, there's no one by my side, they put me in jail, so why bother!" She's getting emotional, she can't help it. "I'm going to create it, the miracle world where Rika stays with me, where we don't leave Hinamizawa!"

She's nearly out of her chair. The two witches look blankly at her for a moment, and then burst out laughing. Lambdadelta uses this as an opportunity to pop the strawberry in Bernkastel's mouth, who bites down hard around Lambdadelta's fingers. When she lets them go there's a trickle of blood running down the back of her hand. She giggles and sucks on the cut.

"That's all? You're stuck playing a game for hundreds of years because of _that_?"

"Stop laughing! I'm serious, you don't know what it's like-"

Bernkastel raises an eyebrow dangerously, and even Lambdadelta crosses her arms.

"Have a cupcake."

Satoko takes one from the tray - pink and orange frosting in stripes - and bites into it. It isn't very good. Cloyingly sweet, and her tea is painfully bitter.

"You're right in a way," she says while Satoko chews, "Nobody truly knows the depth of anybody's experience."

But Satoko does. Satoko know's Rika's lives, and she's going to _use_ them.

"I guess," she says. It's probably best to keep that fact to herself.

"But," says Lambdadelta, gesturing with a slice of cake, "You've been at this for how many years now? When you could have simply graduated in barely any and left this hellish time behind?"

"You didn't really think you were being offered kindness, did you?" Bernkastel asks.

"I could stop looping whenever I want," Satoko says nervously. She's on the defensive. This is bad. "I can always settle and live out my life. But I just don't want to. Can you blame me for being an optimist?"

"You think so?" asks Bernkastel. 

Lambdadelta presses her cake to Bernkastel's closed lips. "Witches don't like being bored. Come onnn, say ahhh, Bern~"

Bernkastel takes the offered bite of cake with a sharp snap of teeth. When Lambda removes her hand her middle finger is missing. Satoko's certain she caught a glimpse of the bloody red stump and the bone peeking out, but before Satoko makes a sound Lambdadelta blushes and laughs and brings her fist to her (to Satoko's, to Takano's, to someone else's) mouth like nothings wrong and then nothing _is_ wrong. 

" _Bern_ ," she says, laughter in her voice. "We're in _publiii~c_." 

"Give me your hand, then. I'll kiss it better."

"You'll just bite it off again."

"Well. I'm hungry."

Wait.

Are they _together_?

Satoko didn't even know how jealous she could be until right now. She loves Rika, has known it all along, but never thought about... this. What happens next. Being a couple, being...romantic, if in a weird, stomach-turning way. By the time you've looped enough to be a witch, Satoko figures gore is just normal to you.

Still. All these universes, all these versions of her and Rika, finally one where some version of Rika likes the faint echo of her the same way... and _still_ she drags her girlfriend around to uncomfortable boring tea parties.

She's jealous _and_ mad.

"Have another cupcake," offers Lambda, who started holding hands with Bernkastel the moment Satoko started glaring at them. The last thing Satoko wants is another cupcake. She drinks tea, instead. Still bitter. She's getting fed up with these two.

"Well. Thank you for the refreshments, but tea parties just aren't my thing. I'm going to get going."

Bernkastel's eyes widen, and she frees her hand from Lambda's holding. She cups her hands together, and when they open she's holding a tiny shining fragment.

"Let me do you a favor before you go," she says. "Would you like to see a miracle?"

She stops breathing for a second, half-risen from her chair. 

More than _anything_ , Satoko would. 

"Yes please, Lady Bernkastel." Satoko sits down again moving as slowly as she can, doesn't trust this witch not to take this chance away from her over a sudden movement or impoliteness. She holds her breath, like that will help. Bernkastel nods and pushes it across the table, and...

Satoko is at Angel Mort with the club, on the day they all got together again. There's only been one of those in her life. She sees herself, from far away- she's talking to Shion, commiserating with her about how much school sucks, breaking down into tears and crying in her lap. Shion hugs her tight and tells her to hang in there, that she's already a year into high school, she's so brave. Rika looks over, troubled, and when they all pile back in the van she goes out of her way to sit down next to Satoko, look at her more honestly than she ever has (since the day she first shared that _dream_ of hers), and hesitating, takes a deep breath, and says _I'm sor_ -

Rika is drowned out by a horrible screeching, and then the van tumbles off the road and everything goes black.

Someone's stroking her hair softly.

"Poor, poor, thing," says Rika, so she has to be back in her bed again. Maybe she overslept. Maybe she cried in her sleep, and Rika thinks she had a nightmare.

The hand is a fist, now, and yanks Satoko off the table by her hair- it hurts so bad, and she blinks back tears- she is face-to-face with a giggling Bernkastel, lips curled back in more of a snarl than a smile. Bernkastel shakes her like her head doesn't already hurt, and her dull purple eyes are cold- _That's what's wrong,_ Satoko realizes. _There's no reflection._ Her eyes don't catch the light at all. 

"Poor Satoko," she says again, in Rika's voice. Her teeth are like a cat's, all needle-sharp. Made for tearing into her prey. "It must be so hard, being this stupid and gullible."

Lambdadelta is doubled over in her chair, cackling. It's Satoko's laugh when a trap goes right, it's Takano's laugh when she's shot everyone in the games club, it's a thousand others' laughs. Bernkastel twists her head, makes her look.

"You hate tea parties? That's basically all witches ever d-"

Satoko doesn't let her finish her sentence, that's enough, she knows where she's not wanted. She shoves Bernkastel off of her- Lambda cracks up as she falls backwards onto the back of a chair, tumbles to the ground- and runs for the exit, taking a jump into the purple sea below.

\---

"Y'know, Bern, I think we would make good moms."

Bern kicks the fallen chair off and hisses. "I hate her."

Lambda sits on her lap before she can stand up again.

"Well. I had fun, anyway."


End file.
